Dear God, I’m about to go to the doctor, but I’m scared. I only slipped up a couple times, and I’m asking you, just this once, God—I barely asked you for anything in my life—please don’t let me have an STI.

It might have been one time
It might have been a hundred
You didn’t use a condom and now you gotta wonder
What his dick look like in the morning-light
Is it scabby, or bumpy, or is it alright?
Did her discharge taste funny or was it all a dream?
When you’re in the bedroom things ain’t always as they seem.

I didn’t want some rubber messing up our flow
Now I’m scared and worried but don’t really want to know.
Was a dot in this spot when I checked yesterday?
Was this fever conceived from a night of careless play?
If a condom cramped my style, then a blister’s gonna break it
With a wart in my shorts it'd be fucked up to get naked.

This just can’t happen not right now
If I don’t think it It won’t go down.
Don’t take me to a doctor
I can’t handle the prognosis

But if you don’t do something soon it’s gonna be psychosis.
Please get tested, please get tested!!
Until you do, you’ll never be well-rested.
You just can’t treat it ‘til you know what you got
So get it checked out before the water gets hot.

You’re swimming in de Nile but we know you ain’t Thames.
You explored her Gulf of Mexico and came back with a stain.
You didn’t put that condom on and now your worried something’s wrong
If Euphrates to get checked you shouldn't be having sex.

You little schmuck! I can’t fucking believe you, God! After all the shit you put me through in my life. You never made it easy for me, and now I’ve got a motherfuckin’ STI ? I fucking hate you. I hope you get herpes all over your motherfucking asshole. It would serve you right you sadist!

Ok so you got tested and the news ain’t so great
It happens to the best of us even when we’re safe.

I’m proud of you for getting checked I know that shit is rough
Now it’s time to disclose, just you knowing ain’t enough.
Your junk ain’t defunct it just requires more care
So let your partners know the new state of affairs.

Whether she can risk it or whether she can’t
You gotta let her decide if she wants what’s in your pants.
Whether he’ll still want you or whether he won’t
It’s his choice to make so you gotta disclose.

Tell it to your lover like he shoulda done to you
We know the world ain’t fair but it’s the least you can do.

Please disclose, please disclose!!
And do it before you take off your clothes...

You’re swimming in de Nile but we know you ain’t Thames.
You explored her Gulf of Mexico and came back with a stain...
No more secrets is the name of the game
Give it to him straight, and there’s no need for shame.

Please get tested, please get tested.
If you wait too long you might become infested
No more secrets is the ticket at the door
So give it to her straight and you won’t make her sore.

Please get tested, please disclose
And do it before you take off your clothes.

Please get tested, please disclose!